*Fin prt 2

"Take what you will, what you will
And leave. Could you kill, could you kill me
If the world was on fire
and nothing was left but hope or desire
And take all that I could require, is this love?
Or am I on the floor over-desperate?
Hold hands streaming of blood again?
And then take full weight of me
Guard my dreams, figure this out,
It's me on my own. Helpless, hurting, hell.
Will you stay strong as you promised?
Cause I'm stranded and bare.
Meanness is washed up and all that I have
is God. Take this and all,
Then grace takes me to a place
Of the father you never had
Ripping and breaking and tearing apart
This is not heaven
This is my hell."

The song *Fin is a song that has really meant alot to me, it is a song that is good to cry to. But not only that I could relate in a similar way. I think that is why I am such a big fan of Stephen Christian (frontman of anberlin), his lyrics, blogs, even in his book, I can relate in a small way. Stephen is to me is such an inspiration, I really look up to him as a role model.

The reason why I relate to this song, is because I too wrestled with God in a way, I doubted God because it seemed to me that he wasn't there or he didn't even care about me. When I pray, I sometimes have wondered if God was listening, because all I knew was that I could of been talking to the air. My family has been struggling through a whole lot. My mother was diagnosed with alot of mental sicknesses; she was diagnosed with multiple personalities, bipolar, and other mental illness that I don't even know about. She has these emotional outbursts, where she refuses correction and she lashes out in verbal abuse. My family and I suffer through this our whole lives, that it was to much that I could bear. I often wondered when this will ever end. How long do I have to live in this hell.

But God, has shown me that I am never alone in so many ways, through music, His scripture, and even through supporting family and friends.

This song to me is about someone who wrestled with God so much in his life, and God finally broke through and won! The quote above is a strong intimate picture of bittersweet surrender. The author of this poem comes with complete agony, and brokenness; he comes to the God of the universe, and cries out to God to take this hurt, this pain, all of who he is. He realizes in midst of all his pain, is that the only hope he has to hold on to is God. And he asks God, "Will you stay strong as you promised? Will you figure this out...Cause it's just me on my own in this helpless hurting hell..."
And so God comes and he begin to mold him, tearing away all the filth, the pain, and it feels like hell when he is going through this process. And he continues to surrender and finally put his trust in God.

This Song Fin, is such a powerful song. I want to one day experience what he did, but it's like hell...going through the process and surrendering to God all your pain and your Hurt. And it's hard...It is sooo hard. There are times I don't want to give it up to surrender all that I am. And I just don't want to give it up, I still want to understand... why is my mom like this? Does She really have a mental illness? And I just want her back, because when she has these out burst...she is not herself. But I know I'll have trust God...'cause maybe I'll never understand...maybe that's ok...'cause I don't have to go through this hell alone.

I'm just telling you alittle about my story, because those who are out there...who are hurting and going through similar situations or totally different situations, I want you to know that you don't have to go through this hell alone. You are never alone!!!

Tabitha Reilly